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Do We Resent Our Bodies For Getting Sick?

cycology = psychology on wheels

You know what resentment looks like. We do it and see it in life and interactions with others. But what about resenting our own bodies just because they got ill? At some point during our chronic illness did we turn resentful toward our bodies that “let us down?” It is more difficult to scoot along through life if we are resentful of our own bodies.

This is fascinating stuff to me. We chug-a-lug through life being weighted down by resentment. It slowly sneaks into relationships with others. Resentment can also sneak into our relationship with ourselves.

What about resentment for our very own bodies?

Although, not pleasant to face, I took a look!!

During my chronic illness, abandonment rang so loudly that I could barely hear anything else. Over the years, learning how to settle into it all, it became a dull nagging clang instead of a deafening sharp pierce. For a while, the weight of it stopped forward movement.

As I accepted the choices of others, learned about forgiveness when no words are spoken, dug deep into forgiving myself as well, I made a conscious choice to move on with life regardless of anything, past or present.

But… did some of the resentment sneak into how I perceived and treated my own body? I could not see it at the time, but heck yeah it did!

Not only did others let me down, but so did my body, and my disappointment over the years most likely did turn to the resentment of my own body for such a disgrace.

Sounds so harsh dark and bitter. It probably is. So now what??

I have no control over others actions and thoughts but I do have my own life to live with my own thoughts and actions to contend with.

I can finally be ready to examine that resentment towards my own body for letting me down. Disappointing, sure. But it does not have to be devastating. My body actually did what I could not do for myself, bring to light many hidden issues.

Humm, so maybe, just maybe, my body during its deteriorating years, is what saved me, from myself. The years of wracking pain from Lyme forced me to do something or just die. I chose to do something. I chose to step up for myself when no one else would. How incredible to learn how to show up for myself.

That is big stuff — well, for me it is.

In this process of examining resentment of my own body, I can see that in an odd way, I was taking on all of the guilt of everything, allowing my body to become the means of punishment, even for the things that were not my fault. How twisted is that??? I can now choose to accept that I do not need to take it all on.

I create much of my own perfectionism and punishments. My body “letting me down” was instead saying, “ENOUGH.” It is time to let go of the impossible idea of perfectionism. And punishment, ohh give me a break, I punish myself more than anyone else ever could??? I need to STOP IT!!!

All this means letting go of the past, all the way back to the beginning which created an impossible belief system. That nonsense got ingrained into who I was and needed to be let go of. Since I did not have the capability to do it on my own, my body crashed, got my attention and forced change in my life.

I received the opportunity to change my world view, to grow into what my view is and accept that it will continue to change.

That is to be celebrated, not resented.

Maybe it is like grief, there has to be stages to be able to get through it.

This week I noticed an old behavior come back with food. I chose not to eat. It honestly did not cross my mind until after I had denied myself for days. I reserved nourishment from my body and mind because something happened that hit hard. When I noticed that I was not eating, I ate.

I ate a large meal, ate it slowly and nourished my body.

I nourished my mind with a choice to take care of myself, love on myself with nutrients and comfort food.

I chose not to use food (or lack of) as a punishment for something that required absolutely no punishment. Things are not always going to go perfectly in life, doesn’t mean everything needs someone to blame or a punishment. Regardless of how I was raised, what church has taught, how others have beat the concept into me, no human is to blame for everything or needs punishment just because life is simply not perfect.

Ohhh stars. This seems so obvious, so simple, as I sit here today. But if it were so simple, then I would not still have it still creeping up. Nor would I still be hearing from all of you who tell me your similar stories.

I love hearing your stories because they are real. We are all living a real life and have our issues that we are trying to move through. Of course, it is going to affect our health. But our bodies are not necessarily letting us down, we don’t need to resent them. But it is in the revelation that we have some resentment of our own bodies that we can find peace and understanding.

My body has been my rescue through its messages of physical pain, exhaustion and break down. It has been the beacon to tell me ENOUGH of the destruction that I allow from others and my own thinking. My body woke up to tell me what the issues of my life were, through chronic illness. My body was the one that did NOT let me down.

How cool is that??? I won’t continue to resent what has saved me. My body, through the chronic illness, has taken me on a journey I would never have thought I was capable of taking. I am awake, more aware, and certainly more willing to step up for myself. I am less resentful of others and myself as I seek acceptance, peace, and understanding for all of us — along with more defined boundaries.

CYCOLOGY — psychology of chronic illness

The joys of chronic illness; seeing what I could not see without the experience of chronic illness. Doing what I did not know I could do if it were not from the experience. I can now scoot along a bit better.

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