As I stepped away from my total frustration with computers and the Internet I found myself in the middle of a breakthrough. Instead of expecting perfection out of myself, I let it go. I did not give up, I just let it go for the moment. I accepted that in one months time I would not be able to learn everything I want to know to get to my Internet goals. Fellow perfectionists know exactly what I mean. We drive ourselves batty with this stuff. My guess is that we drive everyone around us a little batty with it as well. Just a guess!!
The breakthrough was exciting, fun and exhilarating. When one thing does not work, try another, The ongoing headbanging with endless bruises obviously is not working. Does not mean we are giving up on our goals, just means there might be something blocking those goals that we need to deal with. My block must be huge because I usually can figure out computer/Internet stuff. As I walked away from the computer I asked for peace and a different route to get to my goals. I know that my path is spot on for my life but sometimes the routes I take are not.
Closed my computer and headed for something to stir up this pot to generate growth and change. Not having one clue where to turn I chose my sauna. For over a year I used it to help fight Lyme Disease and other health issues but my body did not cooperate. I purposely have not used my infrared sauna for the last 3 months. Since I banned myself from the computer I figured I might as well start using the sauna again today.
During the year that I used it, I would be in it for 50 minutes until I would start sweating and only sweat for 5 minutes and then my body would shut down. How does a body stop sweating in a 131 degree box? I tried everything to keep sweating to get more of a health benefit from the sauna and nothing worked. I would get dizzy and sick to my stomach and get frustrated with my body that was not working like it “should.” Today was a new day and 3 months later and at minute 40 I started sweating and kept sweating until after 80 minutes decided that was enough for the day. Juices are finally flowing. On a physical level alone that was monumental. Whahooooooo! But that was only the beginning of the breakthrough with my cyberspace block.
Sitting still is not my talent in life. After being homebound for the last 4 1/2 years I still do not sit still very well. So I picked up the book that I left in the sauna 3 months ago. The book marker was at a random place, right in the middle of the book and in the middle of a chapter. Decided to pick up right where I left off knowing that I had little recollection of the book. All too often a welcome hand is extended and hands us exactly what we need when we are finally ready to hear it.
Sometimes words literally come to life as you read them because they apply so intensely to the situation. I read about wanting to accomplish something egotistically, gathering my own strength, developing a strategy and applying every effort. Yep, that has been me the last few weeks trying to get my Internet goals accomplished. I know I am smart enough to do this, so what in the world could be my problem.
Yes, pride! I was trying to use the Herculean method of accomplishment by forcing my way through the endless problems. That is using brute strength and narrow, rationalistic vision. Let me tell you, it obviously did not work. Instead of progress, I have created new problems. Just because the Herculean force has worked for me in the past does not mean it will work every time and forever more. It just might mean that I am ready for more personal growth and the situation forced me on to a different path to get there. I absolutely loved this new path.
This path led me to a lesson on envy as I read my forgotten book in the sauna.
“Envy is a desire for something….it is a resistance to what the heart actually wants. In envy, desire and self-denial work together to create a characteristic sense of frustration and obsessiveness.” Thomas Moore writes in Care Of The Soul
I had to read that a couple of times. It sure sounds possible but it is a concept I had not heard before. Surely I am frustrated and have become obsessive about this Internet work I am trying to accomplish. My heart and life have led me to be of service to others by being a health coach. That path has been crystal clear. Knowing that I am on the right path, how can I be so stuck. Shouldn’t everything flow perfectly if this is really the right path? That is just not how life works.
Envy appears to be a tricky thing. Am I blocking my own path? Instead of my lack of cyberspace expertise, could it be my own envy that is blocking me? There are more two-edged swords in life than we realize. The reason for my envy that creates resistance and self-denial is a long and a different story. For now, the simple realization that this is happening is new and welcome.
Application – – maybe, just maybe, I could be so out of touch with the value of my potential fate that I get blocked on things to reroute me, without staying on course. We all have untapped value inside of us. There is no doubt my path is service to others in the capacity of a health coach but there is still much work to be done on my own journey. Getting blocked has revealed some things in myself that I needed to see.
I started learning about self-envy. It was also finally time for my body to start a “flow” that I have never seen before both physically and emotionally. It all seems like different things but I believe it all goes together to help guide us to our full potential. Sometimes we have to get out of our own way so that we can shine. It is like getting the head out of the picture so the heart can flourish. Maybe my bruised head from all the head banging was my first indicator that I needed to stop and listen.
When all was said and done, I was delighted with my day. I am no further along on my Internet goals but I am at peace with that and know it will all happen in due time. Let me know how road-blocks led to breakthroughs for you.
Maribeth Baxter, MBEC
Donations accepted to serve others on their chronic illness journey. Maribeth Baxter, MBEC provides voluntary certified health coaching services to the financially limited during their time of crisis.